I'm not ready

We're moving.

The phone call induced stomachache I've had since yesterday when Matt called me from work and told me the news is unrelenting.

We're leaving our home of Kansas City and moving (back) to the Washington, D.C area.

Deep breath.  While I knew moving back was a future possibility, neither of us expected it to happen so quickly.

When we moved to KC in 2008 this was supposed to be a 3-year assignment for us.  We were supposed to be moving in March of 2011 but then with all of the government budget fiascos, those moves were all cancelled and we got to stay.

And now this is home to us.

When you know you're only going to live someplace for 3 years, you tend to live differently than if it's your new forever home.  Sure we made great friends, found a great church and did lots of fun stuff those first 3 years, but we still had that guarded feeling of not getting too close to anything or anyone since we were going to be moving soon.  And then when that time came and went and we knew KC was going to be our home, life just got better.  These last three years have been nothing short of amazing here.  We became parents, we made incredible friends, we continued on at our church and we embarked on a holistic journey sparked by our own child's food allergies that has forever changed our family.  And we've done it all with the network we've developed while living here.

And now we're leaving.  Cue horrific stomachache.  It's no secret that I don't do well with change.  I like comfort. I like routine. I like knowing what my day is going to look like.  And now that's all up in the air for the forseeable future.  Instead of my normal routines of preschool-music-playdates-Pilates....my days will be filled with finding a renter for our house here, finding a new place to live out there, packing up our 4 bedroom home in Overland Park and lots and lots of tears.

This is not the first time Matt and I have built a life for ourselves in a new place.  We packed up our life 5 months after we got married and moved across the country to new jobs and a new city.  Then 5 years later, we did it all over again. And that felt impossible.  I felt scared and unsure and tons of "are we doing the right thing?" emotions.  Now I have all those same feelings except add two kids into the mix and a 30-day timeline and I may need to be institutionalized before this is all overwith.

Yesterday I was in denial.  My initial response was "I'm not ready."  And I'm not.  And I won't be by March whatever when we officially make the trek back east.  But this is a good opportunity for Matt. And I do love the DC area.  And we still have great friends out there. And it's going to be a good opportunity for our family if I can get over the "how am I going to leave ___fill-in-the-blank" thoughts over this next month.

So here we go. I need a hug.  And lots and lots of boxes.